Have you ever experienced fear to the point where you wish that whatever is attacking you would just hurry up and get on with it so that all your apprehension and agony would just go away? Perhaps not, but maybe you've had another experience that no one wants to deal with - depression, loss from the flood in September, or maybe cancer. Lots of us have gone through some sort of struggle in some way or another, whether we admit it or not, and we still have plenty of struggle to come. That's just the way life goes.
My struggle, for around a year now, has been dealing with fear of things that don't exist (or things that do exist but would never happen, if that makes sense). Things that I don't wish to describe here because I want to think of them as little as possible. It's not the worst thing someone can be afflicted with, but it's certainly not all unicorns and sunshine either. It's fighting a battle that I know I've already won without any armor and without any weaponry.
A shot to the leg.
A machete blow to the abdomen.
Oh, there goes my head. I think I needed that. I may be dead right now.
But I'm not.
Why am I not, though?
I should be.
The thing about anxiety is that there is so much and yet so little that can be done. My parents and I, while talking about meds as an option for the depression that I may or may not have, have agreed that meds are not going to be an option unless I am thinking of seriously hurting myself, which I'm not. So I've decided that taking meds for anxiety is going to be the same thing - unless they get to the point where they're truly unbearable, I'm not going to take them. For one thing, they have to be prescribed. Obviously, I can't wander into a pharmacy, pick up some anxiety meds, and go on my merry way. If I do see a doctor, they may not even prescribe meds, and if they do, they might not even work. They're not one hundred percent guaranteed for those who take them, even if they are mostly successful. And if there are perfectly natural ways to combat depression (such as prayer, doing things I enjoy, exercising, etc.), then there are perfectly natural ways to combat anxiety. Counseling's an option as well, but who has money or time for that? Even if it were covered by insurance and we found a time where I could go in and talk about anxiety for a couple hours (which is not something I desire), it's not necessary for me.
The second thing is that when I first had my anxiety, I flipped out. I didn't tell my parents at first because I thought that I belonged in a mental ward. I mean, being scared of something that wasn't even there? I'm no doctor, but I'm fairly certain that isn't exactly supposed to happen. So I kept my trap shut. But then when the anxiety kept going, I got to the point where I couldn't care less about what happened to me. I just wanted an end. So I told them, and they were able to help me through it. The point is, they didn't flip out like I did. Why? Because anxiety is actually fairly common. You might not deal with it and you might not know anyone else who deals with it, but there are many people out there suffering from it. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America estimates that for 18-year-olds and older in the U.S. alone, there are 40 million people suffering from anxiety. That doesn't even include people like me who are not yet adults. But I think it goes to show that if there are plenty of other people who are living with anxiety but are still perfectly fine. I may not be okay now, but I'll be okay at some point. I don't need to be put into a mental hospital.
In truth, this anxiety has been made it hard to see God at some points. It's easy to think, "Why the heck did God screw me up so much? I'm already ugly, stupid, and annoying to everyone else around me. Why would I need to add mental disorders - if I do have them - to the list?" I think this is just part of being human - we can always find some reason to hate ourselves even though we really shouldn't. I know I'm not ugly. I know I'm not stupid. I know I may annoy other people, but they are in no way obliged to spend their time with me. So I'm not screwed up. God didn't make a mistake, even if I feel like one. I'm still not a hundred percent sure why I'm here, but I'm here for something. So right now I'm trying to find God in the center of this. I'm in the eye of a hurricane right now; I'm freaking terrified, but I'm in the safest place I can be. I know God is not doing this because He hates me - quite the opposite. Do I know why exactly this is happening? No. I might figure that out someday. I might never know the answer. But there is one thing I'm sure of, and it's that even if I'm fighting now, I've already won this war. God had ensured that before I was even born.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Fat Shaming Week
So Fat Shaming Week started on Monday the 7th and will end on the 14th, and I'm quite disgusted with the results. Surprised? Not really. But disgusted, yes. I'm still trying to figure out the logic behind such a thing, as this "fat shaming" is simply horrid.
What's Fat Shaming Week, you ask? Well, my friend, during Fat Shaming Week, you shame someone who appears to be fat or fat people as a whole. Why? Because it's helpful, of course! By shaming these people, you're really acting as a motivator to get them to lose weight! Hooray!
Not.
Fat Shaming Week is being carried out through several different things. Some are posting articles with titles like "5 Reasons Fat Girls Don't Deserve Love" and "5 Ways to Bully Fat Sluts on a Date." Some are photographing these women to make them feel bad about their weight. And some are posting about it on Twitter (because they, like many bullies, are cowards who hide behind their computers). Some tweets include:
"#FatShamingWeek Here's a tip for the ladies. You will not be as fat as you are if you eat less and exercise more. You're welcome." -@Kanamit2
"The moment I have to pay for your healthcare costs, I get to say what you do with your body. #fatshamingweek" -@ObserverWatches
"Not a lot of women participating in #FatShamingWeek. Because women are the bigger part of the problem (pun intended). They condone being fat" -@Feisty_Woman
I have so many issues with these that I don't know where to begin. But I'll try to organize my thoughts for your sake.
Issue 1: Fat Shaming Week is not positive motivation, but rather, blatant bullying. If there's one issue I have with people telling me I can't sing, it's that I know what kinds of mistakes that person is making when they sing. Similarly, my problem with these people is that they have a log in their own eye. They may be thin, but they're downright rude, and that's far worse than being fat any day.
Issue 2: Losing weight isn't easy. Fat Shaming Week, from what I've observed, seems to be misogynistic in the way that most of these tweets and articles are directed mostly to fat women. Let me tell you that losing weight is not easy for women. The way we were designed, we just tend to have more fat than men. If you don't know that already, then you're either oblivious or flat-out stupid. I've known guys who don't exercise any more than I do (in fact, they probably exercise less) and yet they're toned and muscular. That's just the way they are. I, on the other hand, may be thin, but I still have some fat on me. And you know what? I like it. Because I'm a freaking girl and that's how girls were designed!
Issue 3: Fat women aren't ugly. I still don't understand why weight equates to beauty. You know how some girls get girl crushes - you know, they're not actually attracted to those girls but they can appreciate their beauty and personality traits? Yeah... I get girl crushes on people who would be considered fat. I think they're beautiful. And you want to know something else? There are guys who prefer bigger women over the smaller ones. You were made by the One who created the moon and the stars, the vast oceans that go on for miles and miles, and towering snow-capped mountains. Don't you think those things are beautiful? If you think those are beautiful, then you are a thousand times that. He put so much effort into you, much more than He did with the sky and the oceans and the mountains. He knows the hairs on your head, how many breaths you've taken, how many steps you've walked. You are told you're fearfully and wonderfully made in Psalm 139:14. Nowhere in the Bible does it say you're beautiful because you're thin or because you have perfect teeth or because you're confident. It says you're beautiful because you were made by God, and unless you choose to think of yourself as beautiful, you're going to go your whole life thinking you're not. (Only recently did I realize this truth - that I am beautiful. I don't care if you think I'm ugly or if your friends do or whatever. God thinks I'm beautiful and that's enough for me.)
Issue 4: Some women are perfectly content with the way they are. You don't need to go running their lives. You have your business and they have theirs. Run your own life. It should be less stressful on you anyway if you only worry about yourself. It's kind of sad how many children understand that better than these adults.
I could go on and on, but I think I've made my point clear. Fat Shaming Week is stupid and pointless and negative and mean and a whole bunch of shizzit. People complain about this broken world and they don't even know that stuff like this is a huge part of the problem. This world will never be perfect - it won't even come close - but if we want to at least make it at least nicer, we need to accept differences. Stop with the fat shaming. It only makes you look like the playground bully.
What's Fat Shaming Week, you ask? Well, my friend, during Fat Shaming Week, you shame someone who appears to be fat or fat people as a whole. Why? Because it's helpful, of course! By shaming these people, you're really acting as a motivator to get them to lose weight! Hooray!
Not.
Fat Shaming Week is being carried out through several different things. Some are posting articles with titles like "5 Reasons Fat Girls Don't Deserve Love" and "5 Ways to Bully Fat Sluts on a Date." Some are photographing these women to make them feel bad about their weight. And some are posting about it on Twitter (because they, like many bullies, are cowards who hide behind their computers). Some tweets include:
"#FatShamingWeek Here's a tip for the ladies. You will not be as fat as you are if you eat less and exercise more. You're welcome." -@Kanamit2
"The moment I have to pay for your healthcare costs, I get to say what you do with your body. #fatshamingweek" -@ObserverWatches
"Not a lot of women participating in #FatShamingWeek. Because women are the bigger part of the problem (pun intended). They condone being fat" -@Feisty_Woman
I have so many issues with these that I don't know where to begin. But I'll try to organize my thoughts for your sake.
Issue 1: Fat Shaming Week is not positive motivation, but rather, blatant bullying. If there's one issue I have with people telling me I can't sing, it's that I know what kinds of mistakes that person is making when they sing. Similarly, my problem with these people is that they have a log in their own eye. They may be thin, but they're downright rude, and that's far worse than being fat any day.
Issue 2: Losing weight isn't easy. Fat Shaming Week, from what I've observed, seems to be misogynistic in the way that most of these tweets and articles are directed mostly to fat women. Let me tell you that losing weight is not easy for women. The way we were designed, we just tend to have more fat than men. If you don't know that already, then you're either oblivious or flat-out stupid. I've known guys who don't exercise any more than I do (in fact, they probably exercise less) and yet they're toned and muscular. That's just the way they are. I, on the other hand, may be thin, but I still have some fat on me. And you know what? I like it. Because I'm a freaking girl and that's how girls were designed!
Issue 3: Fat women aren't ugly. I still don't understand why weight equates to beauty. You know how some girls get girl crushes - you know, they're not actually attracted to those girls but they can appreciate their beauty and personality traits? Yeah... I get girl crushes on people who would be considered fat. I think they're beautiful. And you want to know something else? There are guys who prefer bigger women over the smaller ones. You were made by the One who created the moon and the stars, the vast oceans that go on for miles and miles, and towering snow-capped mountains. Don't you think those things are beautiful? If you think those are beautiful, then you are a thousand times that. He put so much effort into you, much more than He did with the sky and the oceans and the mountains. He knows the hairs on your head, how many breaths you've taken, how many steps you've walked. You are told you're fearfully and wonderfully made in Psalm 139:14. Nowhere in the Bible does it say you're beautiful because you're thin or because you have perfect teeth or because you're confident. It says you're beautiful because you were made by God, and unless you choose to think of yourself as beautiful, you're going to go your whole life thinking you're not. (Only recently did I realize this truth - that I am beautiful. I don't care if you think I'm ugly or if your friends do or whatever. God thinks I'm beautiful and that's enough for me.)
Issue 4: Some women are perfectly content with the way they are. You don't need to go running their lives. You have your business and they have theirs. Run your own life. It should be less stressful on you anyway if you only worry about yourself. It's kind of sad how many children understand that better than these adults.
I could go on and on, but I think I've made my point clear. Fat Shaming Week is stupid and pointless and negative and mean and a whole bunch of shizzit. People complain about this broken world and they don't even know that stuff like this is a huge part of the problem. This world will never be perfect - it won't even come close - but if we want to at least make it at least nicer, we need to accept differences. Stop with the fat shaming. It only makes you look like the playground bully.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
I'll Admit It. I'm Angry.
Before I start this post, I know I haven't posted in a while. Truth be told, I tried. I just haven't had much inspiration lately. But now I have some, so I get to blog.
Let me be honest with you. One of my biggest flaws is that I'm quite irritable and am easily angered. I almost never let it show around my friends because I don't like to complain to them, especially when I know that they're having bigger problems. Yet somehow, even when I know my parents are going through some problems, nothing stops me from opening my big mouth and expressing my anger. But right now, it's hard finding the words to say.
If you live out of state, you might not know that at the moment, Colorado is being flooded. We got more showers than expected and as a result, there has been water freely flowing through certain towns. The results have been devastating. As I type, there's an estimated six dead and over seven hundred unaccounted for. Some families have lost everything but their lives. Water is becoming unsafe to use in certain places due to it being contaminated by waste. And, of course, there are plenty of people who have been injured because of debris.
My family has been extremely blessed. We have food, water, shelter that's completely dry, and even electricity. I have absolutely no reason to be angry. But I am.
Why? Because this is still going on. Because even with the people who have died or lost their possessions or can't get to clean drinking water, this is still going on. And we can't stop it. There's nothing stopping this downpour except God Himself. And that is why I'm angry.
I don't get angry at God often. I owe so much to Him. He's what pulled me through every single thing that I've been through. But I've also been asking, "Why is this happening? Why is it raining now? Why are people dying? Why are so many people terrified? Why, why, why, why, why?!"
And it doesn't stop there. My anger has extended to certain people online as well. Yes, people I haven't even met. Because they've been complaining about rain. I've been tempted to be condescending and say, "Well, your rain hasn't killed people." Because all that's happened is that maybe their hair got a little damp. But the anger directed at them is sinful too, even if I'm not taking it out on anyone.
I don't even get why I'm feeling so emotional about this either. More lives were taken after the Danube River was poisoned with cyanide around thirteen years ago. More lives were taken after the city of Chernobyl was declared unsafe to live in because of radiation (and still is unsafe). More lives were taken in both World Wars. So why am I getting so upset over this? I didn't even cry when the Aurora shooting happened. I was upset, but I didn't cry. Whereas today, I just couldn't hold it in while thinking about it.
I have no reason to be angry at God. He can do what He wants and He has reasons for it. And I don't have reason to be angry at those people either. None of this is their fault. But I'm a Christian, and no Christian is perfect. Does that excuse my anger? No. But at least I know that with my very human mistakes comes perfect grace and forgiveness from God. And at least it can't flood forever.
Let me be honest with you. One of my biggest flaws is that I'm quite irritable and am easily angered. I almost never let it show around my friends because I don't like to complain to them, especially when I know that they're having bigger problems. Yet somehow, even when I know my parents are going through some problems, nothing stops me from opening my big mouth and expressing my anger. But right now, it's hard finding the words to say.
If you live out of state, you might not know that at the moment, Colorado is being flooded. We got more showers than expected and as a result, there has been water freely flowing through certain towns. The results have been devastating. As I type, there's an estimated six dead and over seven hundred unaccounted for. Some families have lost everything but their lives. Water is becoming unsafe to use in certain places due to it being contaminated by waste. And, of course, there are plenty of people who have been injured because of debris.
My family has been extremely blessed. We have food, water, shelter that's completely dry, and even electricity. I have absolutely no reason to be angry. But I am.
Why? Because this is still going on. Because even with the people who have died or lost their possessions or can't get to clean drinking water, this is still going on. And we can't stop it. There's nothing stopping this downpour except God Himself. And that is why I'm angry.
I don't get angry at God often. I owe so much to Him. He's what pulled me through every single thing that I've been through. But I've also been asking, "Why is this happening? Why is it raining now? Why are people dying? Why are so many people terrified? Why, why, why, why, why?!"
And it doesn't stop there. My anger has extended to certain people online as well. Yes, people I haven't even met. Because they've been complaining about rain. I've been tempted to be condescending and say, "Well, your rain hasn't killed people." Because all that's happened is that maybe their hair got a little damp. But the anger directed at them is sinful too, even if I'm not taking it out on anyone.
I don't even get why I'm feeling so emotional about this either. More lives were taken after the Danube River was poisoned with cyanide around thirteen years ago. More lives were taken after the city of Chernobyl was declared unsafe to live in because of radiation (and still is unsafe). More lives were taken in both World Wars. So why am I getting so upset over this? I didn't even cry when the Aurora shooting happened. I was upset, but I didn't cry. Whereas today, I just couldn't hold it in while thinking about it.
I have no reason to be angry at God. He can do what He wants and He has reasons for it. And I don't have reason to be angry at those people either. None of this is their fault. But I'm a Christian, and no Christian is perfect. Does that excuse my anger? No. But at least I know that with my very human mistakes comes perfect grace and forgiveness from God. And at least it can't flood forever.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
In the Hands of God
I loved Florida the moment I laid eyes on it. I loved the warmth, the hotel room (two TVs - we barely even had time to watch TV!), the pool... everything. As much as I love Colorado, it was definitely a nice change. Different scenery and weather. I was more than excited to just relax and get away.
The first couple of days were really relaxing. On Monday, we flew in, got settled into our rooms, and hung out. I went with some friends down to the pool and we chilled out there for a bit. Then the second group (the band was divided into two groups for flights and buses) arrived, and we all went to Downtown Disney for dinner. Though there were some things on my mind, I still had a good time eating my wrap, listening to street performers, and looking around, making a mental list of places I'd have to check out later.
The next day is when the true fun began. We all woke up bright and early and headed over to Magic Kingdom. It was hot as heck, but I preferred being out in the sunshine (probably because I was born and raised in California for eleven years), even if it did require using plenty of sunscreen and drinking a ton of water. I was a bit stressed because my friend couldn't get in with us because her ticket wasn't working, but I still had a good time on several rides. After that, we all went backstage, where they had to tell us to turn off our cell phones and cameras because they didn't want other people seeing what it was like. We then got into our uniforms, warmed up, and then marched in the parade in the Magic Kingdom. Let me tell you, that was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had in band. Not only were the conditions perfect - it was night, so it wasn't hot, and it was the shortest parade I've ever marched - but the sight was incredible. There is nothing like marching out and seeing the castle all lit up in its full glory. This is just one of the many things that makes me pity people who aren't in band. The cool thing is that later, it turned out that there was an estimated 75,000 present. And there were people that we didn't know taking pictures and videos of us. How cool is that?
Later, we all got out of our uniforms and packed our stuff away, then rushed out so that we could go watch the fireworks. I went off with two friends with whom I hadn't spent time before, and they were both really sweet to me. One of them bought me lemonade, a gesture that I found very touching. After that, we all watched the fireworks together and headed back to the hotel to rest up for another long day.
I mention this to show that I had never anticipated what would happen the next morning.
I woke up early, asked one of my roommates if she wanted to shower, and headed for the bathroom after she said no. Now here's the thing: there are parts of that morning that I don't remember. I remember going to the bathroom and being in such a rush that I didn't turn the light on. It was for that reason that I also hadn't locked the door. The next thing I knew, I was being loaded into an ambulance. It scared me a little; I mean, I was being carried into an ambulance and I had no idea what was going on. It was also dark outside, so I thought it was nighttime, even though it was just early in the morning. I was wondering if something had happened and if I'd missed a good portion of the day or something like that. After I was loaded inside, a paramedic sat down by me. On the way over, he looked down at me and asked, "Do you remember what happened?"
"No," I answered warily. How would I know? The only thing I could remember was waking up and going to the bathroom, then searching for a door in the dark. He then nonchalantly filled me in on what had happened: I had had a seizure and was headed for the hospital.
It was hard to believe. I'm not epileptic, and I always thought that seizures were only caused by sensitivity to strobe or rapidly flashing lights. So a seizure had to be impossible. Had to. But I was wheeled into a room and asked questions, so reality had begun to kind of set in on me. The doctors made me do a pregnancy test, X-rays, and a CT scan, and finally released me after five and a half hours, along with another student whom they believed to be dehydrated despite the fact that he'd had a ton of water. We were taken to the hotel, where I quickly changed and grabbed my stuff, and then headed off to Epcot.
I got to enjoy the rest of the day with my friends. My band director was even kind enough to change the time for the meet-up to do the group photo so that we could be in it. Other than a soreness in my jaw and neck and my lip swelling to the size of a grapefruit (I actually tried to use lipstick to cover up the bruising), I felt completely fine, so I was able to walk around normally and go have fun. But the day after that, when I went to Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios, I found out that I couldn't do a lot of rides because the doctors believed something - a strobe light, the jerking of a ride, whatever - could trigger another seizure.
I have to admit, it made me want to stop my feet and throw a tantrum like a two-year-old.
I texted chaperones until I finally found one willing to hang out with me while my friends did rides that I couldn't do. At first, I was pretty upset. Why do my friends get to go off and do what they want? I wondered. It's not like I'll have another seizure anyway. I feel like I'm being babysat. But the chaperone I hung out with was really nice and sweet and I just felt like I could tell her anything. So I ended up having a lot of fun, more fun than I thought I would. She even made a nice gesture and paid for my overpriced iced mocha.
I headed off to Hollywood Studios early with a small group of people. I managed to have a good time there also; one friend split a funnel cake with me (she paid for that, even though I was planning on splitting the cost with her - that makes three people who were generous with their money); I rode some gentle rides with some friends; I made a friend there after he approached me and told me he liked my hoodie; and my friend and I auditioned for the American Idol Experience, a smaller version of the true American Idol. We asked two chaperones to be there with us, as we weren't allowed to do it because we're minors, and then went in and did it. I went into a small room with one judge, sang the chorus of I Walk Alone by Tarja, and got some positive feedback (the woman told me that I need more confidence and that I need to emulate more of a pop or rock style - I'm apparently too classical). It'd been a pretty good day.
After Wednesday, it was smooth sailing. No more seizures. On Friday, we headed to Cocoa Beach, then returned to Downtown Disney, where we saw a Cirque du Soleil show and then broke off into groups again. With some friends, I had a pretzel for dinner, danced around to a guy playing guitar and didgeridoo (check him out - he is seriously really talented!), which got us the title of the Colorado Dancing Troupe, bought a new dress, and got to talk to a German guy. As you may or may not know, I am trying to learn German, and I know German people, but I just got really excited when I found him. My friends and I were outside the Lego store; I had started playing around with some of the Legos in one of the little tubs, trying to see what I could create, when I heard a man speaking to his two kids in German. One thing I loved about Florida was all the English accents that I kept hearing, but that was the first time I'd heard someone talking in German. So I put the Legos down and said, "Bitte, sprechst du Deutsch?" Excuse me, do you speak German? In my excitement, I guess I'd forgotten to be more formal to him and use Sie instead of du, but he chuckled and responded, "Ja, genug." Yes, enough. From there, we had a small conversation (I'd made another error; he'd asked if I was taking a German class and I answered, "nein, ich habe ein Buch" when I should have said, "nein, ich habe einen Buch"), and after a minute, he spoke to me in English. Probably because he could see I was struggling. But I was still really grateful that he took the time to talk to me in German despite my mistakes and despite the fact that he was probably pressed for time. He even explained to me how their school system works when I asked (I love learning about how schools in other countries differ from ours - I could probably go off on a rant about how Finnish schools are far superior to those here in the U.S.). I know it sounds silly, but that just made me so incredibly happy. I can't even explain the level of gratitude I felt to him simply for talking to me.
On Saturday, we flew home and I went to bed that night, grateful to be back in my own bed, where everything was nice and familiar. The next day, we went to church and then back home, where I relaxed for a bit before meeting with my friend and roommate. My mom and I wanted to ask her some questions, as I have an appointment with a neurologist soon, and we were still missing some details. Despite the fact that we're all a bit confused on what happened, she was able to give us some answers. Apparently, I headed over to the bathroom, but I tripped and fell on the way (though this was before the seizure, I don't remember it at all). My friend asked me if I was okay, and I'd said yes and continued to the bathroom. She said that she heard moaning and assumed I was singing, but came in after a moment to find me leaning over the bathtub, convulsing. She then screamed at my friends to go get the nurse, who came in and pulled me out. My friend told me that I was apparently really stiff, had wide eyes, and was really dazed and confused. The nurse called my name, but I apparently only responded with, "What?" I remember what happened from there - being loaded into an ambulance and heading to Epcot - but then she told me that throughout the day and the day after that, I still seemed confused, not being able to recall certain things. She told me that I'd asked her what the time was and that I'd asked her again a few minutes later. But she also informed me that I seemed fine on Friday - less confusion.
Here's the thing that struck me. From what my friends told me, the circumstances could have been much different. If I'd locked the door like I usually do, then my friend definitely would have had a much harder time getting to me, and if I'd started running the shower water like I usually do, I could have drowned - for whatever reason, the bathtub was plugged. But they were able to find me with ease, and obviously, I'm not dead.
Once again, these are the signs of God working in my life.
You may have heard the saying, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have left." Which is true, in a way. But I've discovered something to be truer: you never know how much you need the Lord until something happens to you and holding onto Him with a viselike grip is the only option you have left. No, I'm not saying that I have a terrible life or anything. I am very blessed to have the life I have and am grateful I'm not in someone else's shoes. But that's not to say I haven't faced difficult times. Who hasn't? I remember the time that I was having panic attacks and dreading nighttime because that's when the fear heightened. I remember the time where I wondered if taking my life would be a good solution to my problems. I even remember getting picked on by this girl back in middle school, a relatively small situation. And you know what? My only choice through those things was to pray and trust that God would work everything together. My friends and family offered me support through these things, but I don't know where I would be without God. I can imagine, but I don't think I want to.
It amazes me that I get to use this as a testimony. I've been able to tell people how God has shaped my life and how He brought me through some difficult things. This is just another example. I've told people how, if it weren't for God, the way this all turned out could have been very different. I am just so amazed. Sometimes, it's easy to forget who I am. It's easy to just feel down and to think of myself as just another face in the crowd. I'd like to think of this as a reminder that no one is just another face. Everyone plays a part in this world. You're probably sitting there thinking, Christi, what does your seizure have to do with who has an impact on the world?
Simply put, God uses His people to reach to others. People may have gifts that they are able to use. The members of one of my favorite bands, Demon Hunter, are all Christians. Through their lyrics, they are able to reach out to people and share the Gospel. Others may have experiences that they are able to use. That is what I believe God is using me for. I have been able to tell people how God has changed my life, which is something incredibly mind-blowing to me. The King of the universe is using me - me - to further advance His kingdom. That's the thing reminding me that I'm not just another face in the crowd. I am an ambassador for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I get to be called to serve Him. It's a thought that brings tears to my eyes because it's just something too difficult for me to comprehend.
So that's the reason why I'm grateful for this seizure. Even though it's something small that happened to me, God is using it for something. I'm not quite sure what yet, but I have a good feeling about it. We'll just have to wait and see.
The first couple of days were really relaxing. On Monday, we flew in, got settled into our rooms, and hung out. I went with some friends down to the pool and we chilled out there for a bit. Then the second group (the band was divided into two groups for flights and buses) arrived, and we all went to Downtown Disney for dinner. Though there were some things on my mind, I still had a good time eating my wrap, listening to street performers, and looking around, making a mental list of places I'd have to check out later.
The next day is when the true fun began. We all woke up bright and early and headed over to Magic Kingdom. It was hot as heck, but I preferred being out in the sunshine (probably because I was born and raised in California for eleven years), even if it did require using plenty of sunscreen and drinking a ton of water. I was a bit stressed because my friend couldn't get in with us because her ticket wasn't working, but I still had a good time on several rides. After that, we all went backstage, where they had to tell us to turn off our cell phones and cameras because they didn't want other people seeing what it was like. We then got into our uniforms, warmed up, and then marched in the parade in the Magic Kingdom. Let me tell you, that was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had in band. Not only were the conditions perfect - it was night, so it wasn't hot, and it was the shortest parade I've ever marched - but the sight was incredible. There is nothing like marching out and seeing the castle all lit up in its full glory. This is just one of the many things that makes me pity people who aren't in band. The cool thing is that later, it turned out that there was an estimated 75,000 present. And there were people that we didn't know taking pictures and videos of us. How cool is that?
Later, we all got out of our uniforms and packed our stuff away, then rushed out so that we could go watch the fireworks. I went off with two friends with whom I hadn't spent time before, and they were both really sweet to me. One of them bought me lemonade, a gesture that I found very touching. After that, we all watched the fireworks together and headed back to the hotel to rest up for another long day.
I mention this to show that I had never anticipated what would happen the next morning.
I woke up early, asked one of my roommates if she wanted to shower, and headed for the bathroom after she said no. Now here's the thing: there are parts of that morning that I don't remember. I remember going to the bathroom and being in such a rush that I didn't turn the light on. It was for that reason that I also hadn't locked the door. The next thing I knew, I was being loaded into an ambulance. It scared me a little; I mean, I was being carried into an ambulance and I had no idea what was going on. It was also dark outside, so I thought it was nighttime, even though it was just early in the morning. I was wondering if something had happened and if I'd missed a good portion of the day or something like that. After I was loaded inside, a paramedic sat down by me. On the way over, he looked down at me and asked, "Do you remember what happened?"
"No," I answered warily. How would I know? The only thing I could remember was waking up and going to the bathroom, then searching for a door in the dark. He then nonchalantly filled me in on what had happened: I had had a seizure and was headed for the hospital.
It was hard to believe. I'm not epileptic, and I always thought that seizures were only caused by sensitivity to strobe or rapidly flashing lights. So a seizure had to be impossible. Had to. But I was wheeled into a room and asked questions, so reality had begun to kind of set in on me. The doctors made me do a pregnancy test, X-rays, and a CT scan, and finally released me after five and a half hours, along with another student whom they believed to be dehydrated despite the fact that he'd had a ton of water. We were taken to the hotel, where I quickly changed and grabbed my stuff, and then headed off to Epcot.
I got to enjoy the rest of the day with my friends. My band director was even kind enough to change the time for the meet-up to do the group photo so that we could be in it. Other than a soreness in my jaw and neck and my lip swelling to the size of a grapefruit (I actually tried to use lipstick to cover up the bruising), I felt completely fine, so I was able to walk around normally and go have fun. But the day after that, when I went to Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios, I found out that I couldn't do a lot of rides because the doctors believed something - a strobe light, the jerking of a ride, whatever - could trigger another seizure.
I have to admit, it made me want to stop my feet and throw a tantrum like a two-year-old.
I texted chaperones until I finally found one willing to hang out with me while my friends did rides that I couldn't do. At first, I was pretty upset. Why do my friends get to go off and do what they want? I wondered. It's not like I'll have another seizure anyway. I feel like I'm being babysat. But the chaperone I hung out with was really nice and sweet and I just felt like I could tell her anything. So I ended up having a lot of fun, more fun than I thought I would. She even made a nice gesture and paid for my overpriced iced mocha.
I headed off to Hollywood Studios early with a small group of people. I managed to have a good time there also; one friend split a funnel cake with me (she paid for that, even though I was planning on splitting the cost with her - that makes three people who were generous with their money); I rode some gentle rides with some friends; I made a friend there after he approached me and told me he liked my hoodie; and my friend and I auditioned for the American Idol Experience, a smaller version of the true American Idol. We asked two chaperones to be there with us, as we weren't allowed to do it because we're minors, and then went in and did it. I went into a small room with one judge, sang the chorus of I Walk Alone by Tarja, and got some positive feedback (the woman told me that I need more confidence and that I need to emulate more of a pop or rock style - I'm apparently too classical). It'd been a pretty good day.
After Wednesday, it was smooth sailing. No more seizures. On Friday, we headed to Cocoa Beach, then returned to Downtown Disney, where we saw a Cirque du Soleil show and then broke off into groups again. With some friends, I had a pretzel for dinner, danced around to a guy playing guitar and didgeridoo (check him out - he is seriously really talented!), which got us the title of the Colorado Dancing Troupe, bought a new dress, and got to talk to a German guy. As you may or may not know, I am trying to learn German, and I know German people, but I just got really excited when I found him. My friends and I were outside the Lego store; I had started playing around with some of the Legos in one of the little tubs, trying to see what I could create, when I heard a man speaking to his two kids in German. One thing I loved about Florida was all the English accents that I kept hearing, but that was the first time I'd heard someone talking in German. So I put the Legos down and said, "Bitte, sprechst du Deutsch?" Excuse me, do you speak German? In my excitement, I guess I'd forgotten to be more formal to him and use Sie instead of du, but he chuckled and responded, "Ja, genug." Yes, enough. From there, we had a small conversation (I'd made another error; he'd asked if I was taking a German class and I answered, "nein, ich habe ein Buch" when I should have said, "nein, ich habe einen Buch"), and after a minute, he spoke to me in English. Probably because he could see I was struggling. But I was still really grateful that he took the time to talk to me in German despite my mistakes and despite the fact that he was probably pressed for time. He even explained to me how their school system works when I asked (I love learning about how schools in other countries differ from ours - I could probably go off on a rant about how Finnish schools are far superior to those here in the U.S.). I know it sounds silly, but that just made me so incredibly happy. I can't even explain the level of gratitude I felt to him simply for talking to me.
On Saturday, we flew home and I went to bed that night, grateful to be back in my own bed, where everything was nice and familiar. The next day, we went to church and then back home, where I relaxed for a bit before meeting with my friend and roommate. My mom and I wanted to ask her some questions, as I have an appointment with a neurologist soon, and we were still missing some details. Despite the fact that we're all a bit confused on what happened, she was able to give us some answers. Apparently, I headed over to the bathroom, but I tripped and fell on the way (though this was before the seizure, I don't remember it at all). My friend asked me if I was okay, and I'd said yes and continued to the bathroom. She said that she heard moaning and assumed I was singing, but came in after a moment to find me leaning over the bathtub, convulsing. She then screamed at my friends to go get the nurse, who came in and pulled me out. My friend told me that I was apparently really stiff, had wide eyes, and was really dazed and confused. The nurse called my name, but I apparently only responded with, "What?" I remember what happened from there - being loaded into an ambulance and heading to Epcot - but then she told me that throughout the day and the day after that, I still seemed confused, not being able to recall certain things. She told me that I'd asked her what the time was and that I'd asked her again a few minutes later. But she also informed me that I seemed fine on Friday - less confusion.
Here's the thing that struck me. From what my friends told me, the circumstances could have been much different. If I'd locked the door like I usually do, then my friend definitely would have had a much harder time getting to me, and if I'd started running the shower water like I usually do, I could have drowned - for whatever reason, the bathtub was plugged. But they were able to find me with ease, and obviously, I'm not dead.
Once again, these are the signs of God working in my life.
You may have heard the saying, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have left." Which is true, in a way. But I've discovered something to be truer: you never know how much you need the Lord until something happens to you and holding onto Him with a viselike grip is the only option you have left. No, I'm not saying that I have a terrible life or anything. I am very blessed to have the life I have and am grateful I'm not in someone else's shoes. But that's not to say I haven't faced difficult times. Who hasn't? I remember the time that I was having panic attacks and dreading nighttime because that's when the fear heightened. I remember the time where I wondered if taking my life would be a good solution to my problems. I even remember getting picked on by this girl back in middle school, a relatively small situation. And you know what? My only choice through those things was to pray and trust that God would work everything together. My friends and family offered me support through these things, but I don't know where I would be without God. I can imagine, but I don't think I want to.
It amazes me that I get to use this as a testimony. I've been able to tell people how God has shaped my life and how He brought me through some difficult things. This is just another example. I've told people how, if it weren't for God, the way this all turned out could have been very different. I am just so amazed. Sometimes, it's easy to forget who I am. It's easy to just feel down and to think of myself as just another face in the crowd. I'd like to think of this as a reminder that no one is just another face. Everyone plays a part in this world. You're probably sitting there thinking, Christi, what does your seizure have to do with who has an impact on the world?
Simply put, God uses His people to reach to others. People may have gifts that they are able to use. The members of one of my favorite bands, Demon Hunter, are all Christians. Through their lyrics, they are able to reach out to people and share the Gospel. Others may have experiences that they are able to use. That is what I believe God is using me for. I have been able to tell people how God has changed my life, which is something incredibly mind-blowing to me. The King of the universe is using me - me - to further advance His kingdom. That's the thing reminding me that I'm not just another face in the crowd. I am an ambassador for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I get to be called to serve Him. It's a thought that brings tears to my eyes because it's just something too difficult for me to comprehend.
So that's the reason why I'm grateful for this seizure. Even though it's something small that happened to me, God is using it for something. I'm not quite sure what yet, but I have a good feeling about it. We'll just have to wait and see.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Zelda: Heroine or Victim?
Before I start this post... happy Easter! He is risen! What a beautiful day it is. I can't express how awesome it is to be accepted by such a wonderful Savior.
Last time I posted, I asked whether or not there are fake geek girls. In short, my argument was that yes, there are fake geek girls out there who pretend to be geeks for attention. It seems to be gaining at least some attention in the world of feminists and geeks alike, so I felt like giving my two cents about it. Now there's another issue that I've stumbled across, and that is the portrayal of women in video games. I'm going to be looking at Zelda today, as she is one of the main characters in one of my all-time favorite video game series.
I remember a while back, I saw on Facebook that a woman named Anita Sarkeesian was starting a KickStart (or whatever it's called) project to raise funds to do research on the way women are portrayed in video games. I at first supported it, thinking, "Hey, yeah. This chick probably has a point. Maybe some chicks are negatively depicted in video games." But after watching a video making a counterargument against the videos that Anita recently posted, I have to agree one hundred percent with that one.
The girl speaking in the video first talks about how Peach isn't a victim, but rather a hero in the way that she's a respected political figure. I really don't care much about Peach, as I'm not an avid Mario fan. I've played a couple of Mario Party games, but I'm just not a huge fan of the franchise. I was more interested in what she had to say about Zelda.
I'm not sure when exactly I got hooked on Zelda. I remember that when I was ten, I went to Oregon to see my grandparents and they had Minish Cap. I had no idea why. They just did. So my brother and I played that for a bit despite the fact that I had never heard of the game series before. I really liked it and was disappointed when we lost the game. (I believe we found it, but I'm not sure.) So I didn't really play much Zelda after that (I was more into Sonic Heroes anyway, so much so that I was writing fanfiction about it). Later on, though, after we got the Wii, my brother got Ocarina of Time, and not long after that, we got Twilight Princess (the first Zelda game I've beaten, which happened March 18th of last year). I can't remember when exactly I became a fan, so we'll just go with June 2006 when I was introduced to Minish Cap just to make things easier.
With that said, that's almost seven years of being a fan (minus a couple due to the fact that I didn't get to play any more). The entire time I sat there playing, I was either thinking, Wow, this is so awesome! I love this! or, Oh my gosh. This is so frustrating. How do I get past this part? You want to know what I wasn't thinking? Wow, how sexist of Nintendo to make Zelda this way!
Yet that seems to be the case with Anita Sarkeesian.
I'll be honest here. I haven't seen any of her videos yet. I'm planning on it, but I haven't seen any yet. So I'm not too familiar with her arguments or anything. But we know for a fact that Anita thinks that Zelda is a victim of male chauvinism due to the fact that she's seen as a damsel in distress.
Personally, I think that's a total insult to Zelda.
First of all, whom is the game series named after in the first place? Zelda. It is called The Legend of Zelda. Not The Legend of Link. It confused me at first, because though I knew Zelda was the princess, I wasn't exactly sure why it was named after her. I have my own opinions about it, but I won't get into that here. You can speculate if you want to. But that's what the title is. The Legend of Zelda. If Zelda didn't have any great value or importance, the games wouldn't be named after her.
Second of all, just... why? How has Zelda in any way been subjected to misogyny? Let's take a look at Ocarina of Time. Spoiler alert: after Link awakens after seven years to find Hyrule in a state of disrepair, Zelda disguises herself as Sheik to aid him in his quest to save the land. Not only that, but she is also the final Sage. Pure awesomeness right there.
Another example is Skyward Sword. I'm going to stop here, because we all know that Zelda is just so cool and I don't want to ramble too much, but look at it. I guess Anita could make a better argument for this game instead of Ocarina of Time, given that Zelda has been taken away to the Surface and Ghirahim finally gets his hands on her in the end so that he can use her soul to revive Demise. But come on. How is that fair to Zelda? First of all, Link's not just saving her. He's saving everyone on both the Surface and in Skyloft from Demise. Second of all, Zelda played a huge role in the game. Not just because Ghirahim needed her soul, but because she did certain things to help Link along the way. The best part? It turned out that Zelda was also the goddess Hylia. Now that is awesomeness.
So why are we so quick to jump to this conclusion that the makers of Zelda are total chauvinists? I'm not sure. It's beyond me. Zelda is a character loved and respected by many fans over the globe.
Here is the video that I watched for the counterargument to Anita's videos:
And here is the first in Anita's videos:
Last time I posted, I asked whether or not there are fake geek girls. In short, my argument was that yes, there are fake geek girls out there who pretend to be geeks for attention. It seems to be gaining at least some attention in the world of feminists and geeks alike, so I felt like giving my two cents about it. Now there's another issue that I've stumbled across, and that is the portrayal of women in video games. I'm going to be looking at Zelda today, as she is one of the main characters in one of my all-time favorite video game series.
I remember a while back, I saw on Facebook that a woman named Anita Sarkeesian was starting a KickStart (or whatever it's called) project to raise funds to do research on the way women are portrayed in video games. I at first supported it, thinking, "Hey, yeah. This chick probably has a point. Maybe some chicks are negatively depicted in video games." But after watching a video making a counterargument against the videos that Anita recently posted, I have to agree one hundred percent with that one.
The girl speaking in the video first talks about how Peach isn't a victim, but rather a hero in the way that she's a respected political figure. I really don't care much about Peach, as I'm not an avid Mario fan. I've played a couple of Mario Party games, but I'm just not a huge fan of the franchise. I was more interested in what she had to say about Zelda.
I'm not sure when exactly I got hooked on Zelda. I remember that when I was ten, I went to Oregon to see my grandparents and they had Minish Cap. I had no idea why. They just did. So my brother and I played that for a bit despite the fact that I had never heard of the game series before. I really liked it and was disappointed when we lost the game. (I believe we found it, but I'm not sure.) So I didn't really play much Zelda after that (I was more into Sonic Heroes anyway, so much so that I was writing fanfiction about it). Later on, though, after we got the Wii, my brother got Ocarina of Time, and not long after that, we got Twilight Princess (the first Zelda game I've beaten, which happened March 18th of last year). I can't remember when exactly I became a fan, so we'll just go with June 2006 when I was introduced to Minish Cap just to make things easier.
With that said, that's almost seven years of being a fan (minus a couple due to the fact that I didn't get to play any more). The entire time I sat there playing, I was either thinking, Wow, this is so awesome! I love this! or, Oh my gosh. This is so frustrating. How do I get past this part? You want to know what I wasn't thinking? Wow, how sexist of Nintendo to make Zelda this way!
Yet that seems to be the case with Anita Sarkeesian.
I'll be honest here. I haven't seen any of her videos yet. I'm planning on it, but I haven't seen any yet. So I'm not too familiar with her arguments or anything. But we know for a fact that Anita thinks that Zelda is a victim of male chauvinism due to the fact that she's seen as a damsel in distress.
Personally, I think that's a total insult to Zelda.
First of all, whom is the game series named after in the first place? Zelda. It is called The Legend of Zelda. Not The Legend of Link. It confused me at first, because though I knew Zelda was the princess, I wasn't exactly sure why it was named after her. I have my own opinions about it, but I won't get into that here. You can speculate if you want to. But that's what the title is. The Legend of Zelda. If Zelda didn't have any great value or importance, the games wouldn't be named after her.
Second of all, just... why? How has Zelda in any way been subjected to misogyny? Let's take a look at Ocarina of Time. Spoiler alert: after Link awakens after seven years to find Hyrule in a state of disrepair, Zelda disguises herself as Sheik to aid him in his quest to save the land. Not only that, but she is also the final Sage. Pure awesomeness right there.
Another example is Skyward Sword. I'm going to stop here, because we all know that Zelda is just so cool and I don't want to ramble too much, but look at it. I guess Anita could make a better argument for this game instead of Ocarina of Time, given that Zelda has been taken away to the Surface and Ghirahim finally gets his hands on her in the end so that he can use her soul to revive Demise. But come on. How is that fair to Zelda? First of all, Link's not just saving her. He's saving everyone on both the Surface and in Skyloft from Demise. Second of all, Zelda played a huge role in the game. Not just because Ghirahim needed her soul, but because she did certain things to help Link along the way. The best part? It turned out that Zelda was also the goddess Hylia. Now that is awesomeness.
So why are we so quick to jump to this conclusion that the makers of Zelda are total chauvinists? I'm not sure. It's beyond me. Zelda is a character loved and respected by many fans over the globe.
Here is the video that I watched for the counterargument to Anita's videos:
Monday, February 18, 2013
Are There Fake Geek Girls?
I'm going to take a break from the serious stuff to touch on a more lighthearted topic. Recently, I've seen a lot of debating over whether girls can truly be geeks or not and whether they're truly interested in geek culture. I feel that there's no black or white to this, since there's such a huge variety of geeks and since everyone has their own opinion. But I thought I'd share my own, and I am going to be blunt here.
First off, how exactly does one define the word "geek?" Merriam Webster says it's a "person often of an intellectual bent who is disliked" or "an enthusiast or expert especially in a technological field or activity." It's a rather broad term, so I have to disagree with the dictionary here. My definition would be "someone who is enthusiastic about a certain activity or subject."
Digging deeper, however, you'd see that it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. There are tons of Twihards out there, but to most geeks, Twilight isn't considered to be truly geeky. But by my own definition, shouldn't they be considered geeks? (In case you were wondering, I'd have to say no.)
There is also this wide range of geeks. There are the ones that can tell you what each country from Hetalia is like, the IT techies who know the anatomy of a computer better than their own, the ones who enjoy putting together steampunk ensembles. There is no true picture of what a geek should look like. But there are the ones who get upset over the newbies. For example, I've seen die-hard Legend of Zelda fans get upset at the newer fans because all they've played is Skyward Sword. There are also the Harry Potter die-hards who are angry at the fans who have only seen the movies. So by my own definition, can they all be considered geeks despite the varying degrees of geekiness? (In case you were wondering, I'd have to say yes.)
So in order to truly determine geekdom, I've created a few rules. They include:
1) It has to be something directly related to geek culture. No Twilight. I know that this seems a bit hypocritical, but I highly doubt the Twihards are going to care if I consider them to be geeks or not. If they do, they are certainly welcome to shoot me an email. If they give me some good points, I will amend this post. But I find it doubtful that anyone will.
2) The geek caste system/varying levels of geekdom is irrelevant. Unless you are Steve Moffat (in which case, I am highly honored that you are reading this), I highly doubt that you own Doctor Who, so who are you to say who is a true fan and who isn't? This point will also seem hypocritical later, but I'll get to that. I don't think you are in any place to tell someone that they're not a true Whovian because they haven't seen the classic episodes or how someone can't possibly be an anime geek because they've never been to Anime Con. We're all in the same boat! We're all fans of the same thing! Why don't we just use our love for the geeky things to work together and have fun rather than get into debates? (Not that debates are bad. It's just that it shouldn't be the only thing you do and you shouldn't look down on others. Just know that they have different opinions.)
3) You don't have to like everything out there that's considered geeky in order to be a geek. I consider myself a geek, but I don't like everything out there that is nerdy. I'm not a math geek; in fact, I hate math. I'm not an anime freak, even though I do enjoy watching it. But I'm a geek. I like various things that are considered geeky. It's that simple.
Now here's the big question: can girls be geeks? Of course! There is no reason for only guys to be geeks. It's a bit silly to say that simply because you are a girl, you cannot be a geek. That question doesn't require a huge answer. But there's the other question: are there fake geek girls?
The answer? Yes.
I texted several geeky friends asking them about this and the majority said yes. (I actually haven't had anyone say no yet. Just "I don't know.") Here's the issue: several girls will cosplay in skimpy outfits, then complain about being "slut shamed," thinking that the only reason why this is happening is because they are female. And in some cases, that is the reason. There are some people who are sexist and seriously think women have no right to be geeks. But in most cases, is that the real reason? Not really. Here's my reasoning: let's say you're posing as a character from a popular game, but you've altered the character's image to your own liking, making the photo very sensual. First of all, you're not staying true to the character. I'm not saying that the cosplay has to be exactly like what the character looks like, but what I am saying is that wearing just a green hat upon your head does not make you Link. Link does not run around wearing just his green hat. That'd be terrifying. So that is not staying true to his character. Second of all, if you spend more time doing this photo shoots of yourself as "sexy Link" than you do actually playing as him and trying to save Hyrule, how exactly does that make you a geek?
It is insulting to pretend to be a geek in this way. I am a female geek and I can tell you right now that I have never gotten flack about it. Why? Because I don't pretend to be what I'm not. I'm not saying this to be self-righteous. I'm saying it to make a point: 99% of the time (if not 100%), girls posing as these geeky characters but making them racy and scandalous is demeaning to geekdom. In point 2, I said that this might be considered hypocritical. Here's the thing. There may be people out there who proclaim their love for Sherlock despite having only seen one episode. I have no problem with that because they have a genuine interest in it. I have a problem when people proclaim their love for the show when in reality, they only enjoy dressing up as sexy Irene Adler without even knowing who she is.
So what's the solution to this problem? Don't pretend to be something you're not. You'll get a lot more respect for it, whether you're a geek or not. It's perfectly acceptable to be a geek girl and enjoy things that are both geeky and girly. I certainly do. But if you want to be seen as a true geek, put on some clothes, turn on your N64, and actually play Ocarina of Time.
First off, how exactly does one define the word "geek?" Merriam Webster says it's a "person often of an intellectual bent who is disliked" or "an enthusiast or expert especially in a technological field or activity." It's a rather broad term, so I have to disagree with the dictionary here. My definition would be "someone who is enthusiastic about a certain activity or subject."
Digging deeper, however, you'd see that it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. There are tons of Twihards out there, but to most geeks, Twilight isn't considered to be truly geeky. But by my own definition, shouldn't they be considered geeks? (In case you were wondering, I'd have to say no.)
There is also this wide range of geeks. There are the ones that can tell you what each country from Hetalia is like, the IT techies who know the anatomy of a computer better than their own, the ones who enjoy putting together steampunk ensembles. There is no true picture of what a geek should look like. But there are the ones who get upset over the newbies. For example, I've seen die-hard Legend of Zelda fans get upset at the newer fans because all they've played is Skyward Sword. There are also the Harry Potter die-hards who are angry at the fans who have only seen the movies. So by my own definition, can they all be considered geeks despite the varying degrees of geekiness? (In case you were wondering, I'd have to say yes.)
So in order to truly determine geekdom, I've created a few rules. They include:
1) It has to be something directly related to geek culture. No Twilight. I know that this seems a bit hypocritical, but I highly doubt the Twihards are going to care if I consider them to be geeks or not. If they do, they are certainly welcome to shoot me an email. If they give me some good points, I will amend this post. But I find it doubtful that anyone will.
2) The geek caste system/varying levels of geekdom is irrelevant. Unless you are Steve Moffat (in which case, I am highly honored that you are reading this), I highly doubt that you own Doctor Who, so who are you to say who is a true fan and who isn't? This point will also seem hypocritical later, but I'll get to that. I don't think you are in any place to tell someone that they're not a true Whovian because they haven't seen the classic episodes or how someone can't possibly be an anime geek because they've never been to Anime Con. We're all in the same boat! We're all fans of the same thing! Why don't we just use our love for the geeky things to work together and have fun rather than get into debates? (Not that debates are bad. It's just that it shouldn't be the only thing you do and you shouldn't look down on others. Just know that they have different opinions.)
3) You don't have to like everything out there that's considered geeky in order to be a geek. I consider myself a geek, but I don't like everything out there that is nerdy. I'm not a math geek; in fact, I hate math. I'm not an anime freak, even though I do enjoy watching it. But I'm a geek. I like various things that are considered geeky. It's that simple.
Now here's the big question: can girls be geeks? Of course! There is no reason for only guys to be geeks. It's a bit silly to say that simply because you are a girl, you cannot be a geek. That question doesn't require a huge answer. But there's the other question: are there fake geek girls?
The answer? Yes.
I texted several geeky friends asking them about this and the majority said yes. (I actually haven't had anyone say no yet. Just "I don't know.") Here's the issue: several girls will cosplay in skimpy outfits, then complain about being "slut shamed," thinking that the only reason why this is happening is because they are female. And in some cases, that is the reason. There are some people who are sexist and seriously think women have no right to be geeks. But in most cases, is that the real reason? Not really. Here's my reasoning: let's say you're posing as a character from a popular game, but you've altered the character's image to your own liking, making the photo very sensual. First of all, you're not staying true to the character. I'm not saying that the cosplay has to be exactly like what the character looks like, but what I am saying is that wearing just a green hat upon your head does not make you Link. Link does not run around wearing just his green hat. That'd be terrifying. So that is not staying true to his character. Second of all, if you spend more time doing this photo shoots of yourself as "sexy Link" than you do actually playing as him and trying to save Hyrule, how exactly does that make you a geek?
It is insulting to pretend to be a geek in this way. I am a female geek and I can tell you right now that I have never gotten flack about it. Why? Because I don't pretend to be what I'm not. I'm not saying this to be self-righteous. I'm saying it to make a point: 99% of the time (if not 100%), girls posing as these geeky characters but making them racy and scandalous is demeaning to geekdom. In point 2, I said that this might be considered hypocritical. Here's the thing. There may be people out there who proclaim their love for Sherlock despite having only seen one episode. I have no problem with that because they have a genuine interest in it. I have a problem when people proclaim their love for the show when in reality, they only enjoy dressing up as sexy Irene Adler without even knowing who she is.
So what's the solution to this problem? Don't pretend to be something you're not. You'll get a lot more respect for it, whether you're a geek or not. It's perfectly acceptable to be a geek girl and enjoy things that are both geeky and girly. I certainly do. But if you want to be seen as a true geek, put on some clothes, turn on your N64, and actually play Ocarina of Time.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Love Story
Valentine's Day is never easy for singles. I think of it as a silly holiday, but I have to admit, it's difficult for me, even though I'm only 16. While I don't want a boyfriend and am not ready for one, there's still a part of me that gets this little pang of jealousy whenever I see my friends hanging on their significant others. It used to get to the point where I'd wonder what was wrong with me for not having a boyfriend. So I was dreading Valentine's Day, knowing that despite the fact that I still had plenty of single friends, I also had many friends who were in relationships. I signed up for a choir trip to an opera house in hopes of escaping all the "festivities," but it was in vain. There were still couples giving gifts to each other and adoring each other and such.
As I stated before, I think of Valentine's Day as a silly holiday. Here, it's a day mostly focused on romance, whereas in other countries, it's also about friendship and family. As one of my friends said, it's silly to just have one day of the entire year to focus your attention on your significant other. I used to get so excited for V Day because of all the cards and candy I'd get from classmates in elementary school. Now I just dread it every year. Perhaps my cynicism and pessimism contributed to that.
But when you've been single all your life and you watch your friends get boyfriend after boyfriend, it's disheartening, even if your dream is to live up in Wyoming with 82 cats.
I used to always ask myself if there was a reason that I didn't get guys like my friends did. I wondered if I was ugly. I wondered if I was annoying. It would often switch back and forth between those two most days; I'd feel pretty but annoying some days and charismatic but looking more hideous than the goblins from Labyrinth (only recently have I seen that movie, so I did not use that analogy back then) on other days. Despite always putting myself down, I'd always get my hopes up that someone would come and tell me that they'd secretly liked me on V Day until finally, I just gave up. And all that hoping and self-loathing really takes a toll on you.
It took me so many years to find the one who loved me to the point where he was jealous for me. We'd always been great friends, but it took me so long to figure out that he actually loved me. He didn't think I was ugly and is incredibly patient with me. He picked me up when I was having issues and celebrated with me when life was running smoothly. He always listens to what I have to say no matter what it is and he offers some of the best advice. I've done several things to hurt him, but he's always forgiven me and he knows me better than I know myself. But that revelation - it finally dawning on me that he loved me - is overwhelming.
Here's the turning point. He knew of me before I even existed. He had every little detail about me planned out because he cared that much. He was mocked and humiliated, then nailed to a cross to bleed freely and struggle for breath because he loved me to the point where he'd die to make sure that I'd have a place by him someday. That's the best kind of love story. It illustrates true love, the kind of love that movies try to portray as sex and lust when in reality, love is so much deeper than that. It's sacrifice and commitment. Love is not the butterflies you feel in your stomach. It's a choice. Love is not always easy. Infatuation's easy, but love isn't. But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that it's the thing we need most in this broken world.
Truth is, I still struggle with self-esteem sometimes. But I found the best kind of love out there. It's a kind of love that has given me worth and value, something that no boyfriend will ever be able to give me, and for that, I'm incredibly grateful.
As I stated before, I think of Valentine's Day as a silly holiday. Here, it's a day mostly focused on romance, whereas in other countries, it's also about friendship and family. As one of my friends said, it's silly to just have one day of the entire year to focus your attention on your significant other. I used to get so excited for V Day because of all the cards and candy I'd get from classmates in elementary school. Now I just dread it every year. Perhaps my cynicism and pessimism contributed to that.
But when you've been single all your life and you watch your friends get boyfriend after boyfriend, it's disheartening, even if your dream is to live up in Wyoming with 82 cats.
I used to always ask myself if there was a reason that I didn't get guys like my friends did. I wondered if I was ugly. I wondered if I was annoying. It would often switch back and forth between those two most days; I'd feel pretty but annoying some days and charismatic but looking more hideous than the goblins from Labyrinth (only recently have I seen that movie, so I did not use that analogy back then) on other days. Despite always putting myself down, I'd always get my hopes up that someone would come and tell me that they'd secretly liked me on V Day until finally, I just gave up. And all that hoping and self-loathing really takes a toll on you.
It took me so many years to find the one who loved me to the point where he was jealous for me. We'd always been great friends, but it took me so long to figure out that he actually loved me. He didn't think I was ugly and is incredibly patient with me. He picked me up when I was having issues and celebrated with me when life was running smoothly. He always listens to what I have to say no matter what it is and he offers some of the best advice. I've done several things to hurt him, but he's always forgiven me and he knows me better than I know myself. But that revelation - it finally dawning on me that he loved me - is overwhelming.
Here's the turning point. He knew of me before I even existed. He had every little detail about me planned out because he cared that much. He was mocked and humiliated, then nailed to a cross to bleed freely and struggle for breath because he loved me to the point where he'd die to make sure that I'd have a place by him someday. That's the best kind of love story. It illustrates true love, the kind of love that movies try to portray as sex and lust when in reality, love is so much deeper than that. It's sacrifice and commitment. Love is not the butterflies you feel in your stomach. It's a choice. Love is not always easy. Infatuation's easy, but love isn't. But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that it's the thing we need most in this broken world.
Truth is, I still struggle with self-esteem sometimes. But I found the best kind of love out there. It's a kind of love that has given me worth and value, something that no boyfriend will ever be able to give me, and for that, I'm incredibly grateful.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Pain
These past couple of days have not been easy for me. In fact, it's been quite the opposite. My poor parents have been doing so much to take care of me and it worries me to see others worried about me. Even my sister, who has no idea what the heck is going on, is concerned. But it makes me feel so blessed to know that these people care so much for me. I am especially blessed for my parents, who have done so much for me. They even sat down and watched My Little Pony with me despite the fact that they loathe that show with a fiery passion. Gotta love them.
But if I haven't felt a need for Jesus before, I'm definitely feeling it now. It's so easy to just slip away and not trust in God, but to cling to Him for protection is the thing I need most. Reliance on other things is going to make the situation worse, not better, so I need to have confidence that He will take this pain from me eventually, whether it takes a day or fifty years.
That said, I'm considering it a blessing to feel this kind of pain. I don't mean to say this in a boastful way, but the King wouldn't entrust this pain to me if He knew I couldn't handle it. It's kind of a huge honor. I feel like He has plans to take it and transform it into something beautiful. It's happened before - not just to me, but to people all around me.
I am so excited for the end of this - not just for the pain to be over, but to see what it turns into. See how God uses it. The very idea of the Lord using me for His purpose just fills me with such joy that I can't even describe it.
But if I haven't felt a need for Jesus before, I'm definitely feeling it now. It's so easy to just slip away and not trust in God, but to cling to Him for protection is the thing I need most. Reliance on other things is going to make the situation worse, not better, so I need to have confidence that He will take this pain from me eventually, whether it takes a day or fifty years.
That said, I'm considering it a blessing to feel this kind of pain. I don't mean to say this in a boastful way, but the King wouldn't entrust this pain to me if He knew I couldn't handle it. It's kind of a huge honor. I feel like He has plans to take it and transform it into something beautiful. It's happened before - not just to me, but to people all around me.
I am so excited for the end of this - not just for the pain to be over, but to see what it turns into. See how God uses it. The very idea of the Lord using me for His purpose just fills me with such joy that I can't even describe it.
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