Have you ever experienced fear to the point where you wish that whatever is attacking you would just hurry up and get on with it so that all your apprehension and agony would just go away? Perhaps not, but maybe you've had another experience that no one wants to deal with - depression, loss from the flood in September, or maybe cancer. Lots of us have gone through some sort of struggle in some way or another, whether we admit it or not, and we still have plenty of struggle to come. That's just the way life goes.
My struggle, for around a year now, has been dealing with fear of things that don't exist (or things that do exist but would never happen, if that makes sense). Things that I don't wish to describe here because I want to think of them as little as possible. It's not the worst thing someone can be afflicted with, but it's certainly not all unicorns and sunshine either. It's fighting a battle that I know I've already won without any armor and without any weaponry.
A shot to the leg.
A machete blow to the abdomen.
Oh, there goes my head. I think I needed that. I may be dead right now.
But I'm not.
Why am I not, though?
I should be.
The thing about anxiety is that there is so much and yet so little that can be done. My parents and I, while talking about meds as an option for the depression that I may or may not have, have agreed that meds are not going to be an option unless I am thinking of seriously hurting myself, which I'm not. So I've decided that taking meds for anxiety is going to be the same thing - unless they get to the point where they're truly unbearable, I'm not going to take them. For one thing, they have to be prescribed. Obviously, I can't wander into a pharmacy, pick up some anxiety meds, and go on my merry way. If I do see a doctor, they may not even prescribe meds, and if they do, they might not even work. They're not one hundred percent guaranteed for those who take them, even if they are mostly successful. And if there are perfectly natural ways to combat depression (such as prayer, doing things I enjoy, exercising, etc.), then there are perfectly natural ways to combat anxiety. Counseling's an option as well, but who has money or time for that? Even if it were covered by insurance and we found a time where I could go in and talk about anxiety for a couple hours (which is not something I desire), it's not necessary for me.
The second thing is that when I first had my anxiety, I flipped out. I didn't tell my parents at first because I thought that I belonged in a mental ward. I mean, being scared of something that wasn't even there? I'm no doctor, but I'm fairly certain that isn't exactly supposed to happen. So I kept my trap shut. But then when the anxiety kept going, I got to the point where I couldn't care less about what happened to me. I just wanted an end. So I told them, and they were able to help me through it. The point is, they didn't flip out like I did. Why? Because anxiety is actually fairly common. You might not deal with it and you might not know anyone else who deals with it, but there are many people out there suffering from it. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America estimates that for 18-year-olds and older in the U.S. alone, there are 40 million people suffering from anxiety. That doesn't even include people like me who are not yet adults. But I think it goes to show that if there are plenty of other people who are living with anxiety but are still perfectly fine. I may not be okay now, but I'll be okay at some point. I don't need to be put into a mental hospital.
In truth, this anxiety has been made it hard to see God at some points. It's easy to think, "Why the heck did God screw me up so much? I'm already ugly, stupid, and annoying to everyone else around me. Why would I need to add mental disorders - if I do have them - to the list?" I think this is just part of being human - we can always find some reason to hate ourselves even though we really shouldn't. I know I'm not ugly. I know I'm not stupid. I know I may annoy other people, but they are in no way obliged to spend their time with me. So I'm not screwed up. God didn't make a mistake, even if I feel like one. I'm still not a hundred percent sure why I'm here, but I'm here for something. So right now I'm trying to find God in the center of this. I'm in the eye of a hurricane right now; I'm freaking terrified, but I'm in the safest place I can be. I know God is not doing this because He hates me - quite the opposite. Do I know why exactly this is happening? No. I might figure that out someday. I might never know the answer. But there is one thing I'm sure of, and it's that even if I'm fighting now, I've already won this war. God had ensured that before I was even born.
